some stuff

goosey i fed fries to. he wouldnt eat anything else. he was charming.


this is at a restraunt on the hudson i spent 4 hours at today. awesome.
from the staten island ferry. misty day.

girl talk sneaks.
soulmates.
letter number 1. i never recieved number 2.
from the train

FML. eff emm ELL!!

my left eye has been twitching for the last five days. i have a pinched nerve in my left side lower back and a HUGE knot in my right shoulder. ive cried 3 times this week and slept like shit every night. ive done everything to try to release and nothing is working. my mind is racing and i cant seem to ease the stress. what the FUCK is going on? lord knows that this cant possibly be pms. i havent had a normal period in 2 months. god hates me.

everything seems to circle back to the same things. things that i become irritated by are eventually caused by these initial points. one thing thats driving me crazy is my lack of space. i cant fucking BREATHE! im trying to be SO productive on my days off...ive been reading like crazy and taking measurements to start blocking basic patterns..but there is simply not enough room to spread out. i successfully blocked out a skirt pattern but when i got to the point to make a muslin i got so aggravated because to even set back up my machine i have to clear everything away to make enough space..just to put it away again to REgain that space. i live in a mouse hole! one month. im counting down the days. my new apt is going to be AMAZING. i know what i need and want now and i will settle for NOTHING less!

one other thing that might seem sooo stupid and small to everyone else, is the fact that im going nutty cause my ipod is broken again. im waiting for a part to be in stock til i can fix it. i just want to stress to anyone that is reading how intensely important it is to have a ipod of some sorts in NY. OH. MY. GAWD. train rides and walking down the street are torture without one. its impossible to pretend the world doesnt exsist when you dont have that sort of " i cant hear you!" barrier. let me just say some people are SO annoying on the train. catcalls, singing, people playing music aloud on thier effing sidekicks, obnoxious teenagers, peoples loud headphones, repetitive mouth noises ( i cant even explain, but it happens..clicking slurping eating noises!) kids, snoring...you get the point. people are PIGS. i cant walk down the street without someone saying "eyyyy mami, oooo!" and its not endearing.

BAH.

im so frustrated with life. i had a conversation tonight with my wonderful mother about my goals and my lack of satisfaction with life. ive constantly wondered through this process why im doing it, and why i cant just be satisfied with a mediocre life. why couldnt i just be happy staying in oklahoma, perfecting my less than perfect relationship, and making babies. lord knows they would have been the prettiest.

then i think of the beehive. ( thanks rindsey, this thought gets me through SO often) in the beehive, every bee has its purpose. they all strive for something. like life, everyone has a purpose, and if people didnt do things they were meant to do, the beehive would fail.

but i still wonder if this is what i was meant to do. i continuously question if its all worth what ive given up...because i know ill never be satisfied. its just my nature. i want to be the queen bee...and even there may not be enough.

god i need a massage.

im going to try and start reading for fun again, and not just for bettering my "business." tomorrow i finish my second class and before then im going to go on a book hunt for something i can totally get lost in. i love how a good book can numb all senses. then i will go to the park and read under a tree like a hippie. i really hope theres no one around...i dont have my ipod. GAawwh!

its so hard to get AWAY in this city. i wish i was underwater. it would be quiet under there...

yessssss.

if you dont want your waitress to spit on you, dont do this. note: the bills on the left are NOT the tip. the pennies make me irate. why even add them? WHO USES PENNIES?!

that is all.

a lot.

well its been a bit again. ive not been very good at this over the past months. but i feel like when i do update, its slightly significant. I think about doing a post often, but its more often then not that i dont feel like writing. for lack of better explanation, its been quite hard to get out of the "funk" im in lately.

life has taken several significant turns lately.

i finished at Love Brigade. What a wild ride it was. And finishing is starting a whole new chapter for me. I learned more then i ever imagined to, met the mentor of my life, and made some amazing friends. these people are such a FAMILY to me now. im going to have to make excuses to go out of my way to hug their necks without letting them in on knowing how much i miss being in their company. if you guys happen to read this, I LOVE YOU!

my personal life has changed drastically, and i hope for the better. though the decision was the hardest ive made in my entire life..i am trying to stand by it in hopes that it will benefit us in the future. distance makes the heart grow stronger. i truly believe in that. its so hard..because now i feel more lonely then i ever have in my life. not just lonely, but i feel ALONE. makes me wonder even more, where am i? i ask it every day. with this decision, i hope only that it makes us MORE confident in our love for one another. more confident then i already know we are. its so bittersweet...i cant even begin to explain how i feel.

i also started classes. A hand sewing and mending class, which based on one class seems to be a waste of time...cause i knew everything already. but im sure that will change. and a class called wardrobing for film theater and tv. This class seems like it will be VERY beneficial for me. not only is the professor intensely knowledgeable about the field but she is passionate about helping students find their path. im hoping that this class will make me more confident in my decision to be a certified costume designer. i question myself waaaayyy to much.

and im searching for a new apartment. my lease in my current apt is up around the end of june. I CANT WAIT TO MOVE! though funds are extremely low right now..i cant wait to get out of this apartment. my room is tiny, im 10 blocks from the subway, an hour from all my friends and 45 mins to the city. its outrageous. and i pay more then what my situation is worth regardless of the fact that my apt is beautiful. i. just. cant. wait. i cant do this anymore!



LB <3 event with Tinypantz. Beavis/Butthead impression.




the webster hall "god." my photo doesnt do it justice. ya gotta be there.


an upstairs photo of swanky Tonic. my place of work.

the other direction. im sitting at the bar.

photo of the schedule for the kitchen staff. i love mexicans.

central park! it is soooo pretty.

110th st. cathedral. the most amazing staircase youve ever seen. this place fueled my fantasy of being alice in wonderland. im going back with a better camera.


i looked in the keyhole. i saw tremendously creepy things. seriously.


the COOLEST statue ive ever seen! ill eventually be getting better pics.
this was outside the cathedral. there was also an albino peacock, which for some dumb reason i didnt get a photo of. i think he lives there. kind of a magical afternoon.

i want the nice weather to come back. the sun proves to me i have seasonal depression.

thats all?

i hate having to title these..

its been a bit since ive written and i cant really remember what all has happened. ive just been working hard, playing hard and finishing up my internship.

may 3rd i start my certificate classes! im really excited and dont really know what to expect. im taking two classes, one called alterations: mending, repair and hand sewing ( or something like that) and wardrobing for film, tv and theatre. each class only happens four times a month so im wondering if i will have assignments or if its all going to be seminar and instruction. we'll see! i cant wait to feel like im in school again.

last week kira was in town and i also had my birthday. it was good times, but coulda been better if all of my loved ones were there. i wish we could have done more...theres SO much i wish she could have seen in NYC..but im sure she'll be back. we went to the natural history museum..i love it every time. not the pics below!

well right now i for some reason dont really feel like writing. but i wanted to post something...ill update sooner then i did this time next.

birthday presents! all i got was books, but im so excited about all these new tools i can use. time to get to work. yessssssssss!
yeahhhh. they dont even know.
kira's favorite dinosoaur.
my favorite dinosoaur! so cool...
skeletons eating skeletons.
hangover brunch. mandatory event for kira and summer.
pretty dress i saw in a window somewhere...
bye bye oklahoma! i had to be nostalgic for a min.

meh.

"I just wish that I could live with the fishes I love in their anemone
But I'm a turtle it wont work I've gotta stay out in the current
With my house upon my back so I can hide inside of me
All together in the tank you always dreamed about escaping
When you finally make a break for it you deserve to be free"

this is how i feel.

its been a minute..

i havent done a whole lot since i last wrote. been working and relaxing and stressing as always.

i decided to go ahead and register for classes to start for a certificate in Costume Design. even though im questioning myself as always, i feel the decision is appropriate. i love costuming and know that if and when one day i have a career in the field, i will be MORE than satisfied. Oh to be there in that day...

i need to quit fucking around and get to work.

i just finished a hat that i made kira for a photoshoot shes doing when she comes to visit...ill post photos of it soon. thats a start i suppose.

last weekend was pretty cool. i spent the majority of it with angie and her friends. on saturday we went to new jersey. it was my first time, and my first time through the holland tunnel. which totally freaked me out and made me really claustrophobic. we went on an excursion to find them furniture for their apt by visiting 5 thrift stores spread out..it was an interesting adventure. and though i thought new jersey was disgusting ( covered in litterrrrr, and just ugly) i think it would be awesome to do that once a month. i felt like i was in Oklahoma. we went to IHOP for breakfast and chili's for dinner. beat that.

i found several tops and such that need altering. its nice to go thrifting every once in a while cause i know that when i find something i like, no one else anywhere will have it.


on a completely different note, i was spotted at st. louis fashion week in the LB collection!
this photo is like a time capsule documenting my time spent with the LB crew. its been an honor.

scrambled eggs.

what a bittersweet week ive just had. i finished visiting beautiful Oklahoma for the second time since ive moved to NYC. it seems like when i go back...i just get more homesick. but this time around, i was surprised to find myself a little excited to get off the plane back in NY.

ive always told myself that i know that a place is becoming home when i start to miss it when im away. i certainly hope this is true..ive heard it takes years to truly make a place your home physically and mentally. i know i dont have the patience to wait that long.

i pulled an all nighter the night before my flight cause it was leaving so early. i felt like hell the next day but to say the least, flying over and out of manhattan at sunrise was a real treat, and might not be something ill get a chance to do again. i didnt scramble to my phone quick enough to snap a shot unfortunately. i was afraid of the scary flight attendant.

i spent most of the week with jon just trying to catch up. i still feel a void though..it went by so fast as it always does. i dont think anyone can really understand the pain of enduring a long distance relationship unless theyve been in one. it doesnt get any better as time passes..it just gets worse. i like to pretend sometimes that im used to not seeing him, but really, it just makes me feel like the loneliest person in the world. i take for granted how strong he is for hanging in there for me when IM the one whose chosen to leave. i take him for granted in general honestly. Im so hard on us and myself, and despite our unnerving differences, i know that one day i will TRULY understand why we are meant for each other...and why weve made it this far.
after all, i dont really think that lovers need to be exactly a like..we balance each other out.

as for right now, its all SO hard. im still trying to find out who i am and where i am and going..not to mention finding my place in a serious long term relationship. i love jon. thats all there is to it..it wont ever go away. hes my best friend.

and ohhhhh simi. my kitty. i miss her just as much as i miss jon and my mom. shes the skittles rainbow in my life. i hate having to leave her over and over...i know she has to hate me for it. but she never really shows it. <3

ive been trying to gather my thoughts on a lot of things this week. but my brains are like scrambled eggs. i really need to focus, and instead of thinking things, just do them. bottom line, i want to streamline my life. i just want to be better...as a lot of people do im sure. i want to be a better person, physically and mentally. a better girlfriend, more understanding and compassionate. a better friend. a better daughter. i want to be a better waitress even.

i want to be a better accomplisher of my dreams..

the kitties playing "simon says"

ms. gold eyes.

a sliver of times square. WHAT? i actually work here.

i dont get it.

not and enlightening post.

well hello there.

thats what i said this morning when i woke up to a mouse scurrying across my floor IN MY BEDROOM. your first reaction might be to think, wow, she must live in complete filth and have a trail of crackers laid out. nope..im actually quite the opposite. my room is very small, so therefore even the slightest mess bothers the shit out of me. why are there mice in my room? aggg..i just dont know. its my neighborhood, its FILTHY! i cant wait to get out of it.

so it ran into my closet and i went to look...there was no way out for it so unfortunately i was caught screetching on my tip toes. wonderful way to start your day.

i also found out i owe money that i had no idea about. awesome.

"wonderwall" just came on pandora though, so things are lookin up.

yesterday with my day off i went to planned parenthood for some anti baby pills, bought a bra from american apparel, stopped by coyote ugly to see dirty diana ( im in love with the place and thier 2$ PBR ) , and went to the museum of art and design. nice.

that museum is amazing, and even though i was caught and scolded several times, i managed to take some photos with my trusty blackberry camera. *chgh ching* there was some REALLY beautiful stuff there i just couldnt help myself.. lots of things made of other things as you will see below..

they had an amazing jewelry exhibition that i was too afraid to take photos of..the security guards were like hawks. sorry jon.


a chandelier made of eyeglasses. brilliant.

of glue and buttons..by my love tara donavan

paper cut out tree in gift bag. these were soooo beautiful.

rotifers and jellyfish. jewels of the sea..one of my obsessions. gorgeous! i would die for these in my home...

then something random from last week. i lost 3 times. how? HOW?!

snow day

theres about 8 inches on the ground.

i cant seem to shake being sick..and the cold weather isnt helping. the worst thing about living here is that the city is relentless. i have to walk everywhere and battle the elements no matter how bad they are or how sick i am. no one really cares, and no one really stops working either.

i guess im going to have to give in and lose some style points and purchase some rain boots. agg.

i miss my car.

today ,again, i felt unproductive. i did trend research for LB, read some articles on grading patterns and contemplated for a long time whether or not to buy myself a pattern making book that i want really bad. i decided to hold off for a while. i also attempted to finish a jacket ive been meaning to but when i put it on it didnt fit right and i got all frustrated and discouraged...i guess i need that book.

the most frustrating thing in the world is that no matter how much work i DO get done, im never satisfied. no matter how much research i do or how much i read, it never seems to be enough. im so hard on myself. my biggest goal is to learn to give myself some credit.

i guess this is kinda a response to lindsays post...because what she wrote about i think about almost every day. im always trying to rush myself and never feel like its enough because i feel like time is closing in on me..or that im getting too old. but whose to say i have to have a certain amount accomplished by a certain age? i guess its only me that sets those standards. i told myself when i turned 21 that i wanted to have a steady and amazing career by the time i was 26. that seems so soon..and my career seems so far away. what i really need do is realize how far ive come...but its so hard to when im only missing the things i feel ive lost in the process.

i hope its all worth what ive given up.

i love it here, and i love pursuing my dreams..but its so hard to leave behind a home and loved ones and a comfortable situation. i wish at times that i could have just been satisfied with being satisfied. and because im not, does that make me greedy?

i feel guilty all the time for my decisions. ive left behind my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my cat, my mother, my little brother...so much. and at times i just feel like ive bitten off more than i can chew.

all i can do is just keep going, cause i dont know what else to do. cause i know id be more miserable if i went back knowing i gave up and was too much of a pussy to grit my teeth and do the hard work to get to where i want to be. success will be so much sweeter when i am there because of that...
...its just the getting there part.

blah.

im finding myself extremely unmotivated today. today i was off work...i went and took care of my ID so now thats official, i ordered business cards, did some yoga, but other than that ive done nothing. and now im distracting myself even more by writing this blog. i know that i need to be designing or reading and doing research..or even just sewing..but i just cant conjure up the inspiration to do so.

sigh.

i have so many things in my head i just wish i had the energy to get them on paper or make them. I NEED MONEY!! I WANT TO BUY FABRIC!! geez...i think thats what is so discouraging. i can design but i cant make anything cause i dont have the money for supplies. this month has been so hard for money...i can hardly wait for it to pass.

im going to go and try to teach myself illustrator. hopefully i dont throw my computer.

feb.24.09

Today was slow and so were the past couple days..Ive been sick with some sort of allergy/cold combination and feel like ive just been floating around in the clouds.

Last week i spent the majority of a day with a couple coworkers at the infamous Coyote Ugly. One of the girls that works behind the bar at Tonic just got a job there and we came to visit her to congratulate. Let me just tell you that place is quite the piece of work. The entire place is made of PLYWOOD. I mean everything. The bar, tables, booths, even the thing ( thats normally ceramic) that sits on top of the toilet tank was plywood. There was duct tape wrapped around the drafts. The place is high class, full of hot chicks and has probably the cheapest beers in the city. The bartender grabbed my PBR out of a big blue igloo ice chest sitting on the floor, and i felt at home. Needless to say I will inevitably be back to support my friend while she dances on the bar and feeds me "pussy juice." ( its a shot!) This place is my new guilty pleasure.

I spent most of the weekend with my friend Angie, which I stupidly didnt document. Im going to have to get used to getting into the habit of that....it was fun..we stayed out way too late for her birthday, and I had to work a double at Tonic the next day which was a nightmare. Not only cause it was slow ( I had three tables all morning and didnt even have to stay for my night shift!) , but because I was overwhelmingly tired and sneezy. Tomorrow Im off and will probably do a LOT of nothing. Hopefully thats all I need to get better. Ill practice making origami owls.

Today I was at Love Brigade. Quite a slow day, but I feel like Im helping out a little still. I just hope that with one day a week I can still be fulfilled as well, and continue learning. That is SO incredibly important to me, if not, I need to move on.

Heres my to do list, well the most important things:
-get my New York ID. To make it official.
-research certification courses.
-visit with an academic adviser at FIT.
THEN:
-visit the whitney and the guggenheim. yeah, i havent done that yet.

Johnny the Love Brigade dog. Hes curled up in front of the heater wearing his "I ate your homework" teeshirt.

A view of the office and Alyssa (my boss) with her electronic body part :o)

Angie and Caitlin bein creepers in one of the prettiest bars Ive ever seen. The place was full with this gorgeous polished cherry wood, and gold wallpaper. The bartenders looked like greasers. mmm.

I live in these.


OH! im in the f/w 09 LB collection! wowzers.

hello.

i decided just yesterday that i should be documenting this transition in my life. not just for myself, but for everyone that ive left behind..my friends and my family. im more alone than i ever have been before, living halfway across the nation from everyone i know. but i am more than ever wanting to share the things that i am experiencing. i want people to know why ive made the decisions i have made, and i want to show everyone why i love and why i loathe this new city i live in. i need to document the process of searching for myself, the endless pursuit of my career, and the idiosyncrasies of living in NYC. I think in doing so, i might eventually realize how far ive actually come. this will help me know more of WHO i am and WHERE i am. i need to be more aware.

last February, a year ago tomorrow, i was moving in with jonathan in stillwater. i had about 2 grand saved for my move and transition to this city. when i moved there, it took me 5 months to save 900 dollars. i was working almost full time, but the economics in that city were shit. that place showed me how hard you have to work for one tiny step forward. it proved to me that i KNOW what i want...and im going to get it. i accomplished my goal, and now im here, in NYC, just like i wanted so badly.

now the next step. i applied for FIT and was accepted, but decided shortly after that i can do it on my own without another degree. those are just words anyways, right? i can teach myself. what really proves to people here is real life experience, not words on paper. so im gritting my teeth and taking it one step at a time. ive completed an internship and learned so much about the industry i want to be in. and now i think im REALLY ready to start this process. i just need investors..hahha. any takers?

this is my start.
i walk past this at least 3 times a week. its an ever changing sculpture but i never seem to catch the artist at work. the gorilla is eating a compact disc.

this is where all the birds in williamsburg live.

some shots of the WTC.