FML. eff emm ELL!!

my left eye has been twitching for the last five days. i have a pinched nerve in my left side lower back and a HUGE knot in my right shoulder. ive cried 3 times this week and slept like shit every night. ive done everything to try to release and nothing is working. my mind is racing and i cant seem to ease the stress. what the FUCK is going on? lord knows that this cant possibly be pms. i havent had a normal period in 2 months. god hates me.

everything seems to circle back to the same things. things that i become irritated by are eventually caused by these initial points. one thing thats driving me crazy is my lack of space. i cant fucking BREATHE! im trying to be SO productive on my days off...ive been reading like crazy and taking measurements to start blocking basic patterns..but there is simply not enough room to spread out. i successfully blocked out a skirt pattern but when i got to the point to make a muslin i got so aggravated because to even set back up my machine i have to clear everything away to make enough space..just to put it away again to REgain that space. i live in a mouse hole! one month. im counting down the days. my new apt is going to be AMAZING. i know what i need and want now and i will settle for NOTHING less!

one other thing that might seem sooo stupid and small to everyone else, is the fact that im going nutty cause my ipod is broken again. im waiting for a part to be in stock til i can fix it. i just want to stress to anyone that is reading how intensely important it is to have a ipod of some sorts in NY. OH. MY. GAWD. train rides and walking down the street are torture without one. its impossible to pretend the world doesnt exsist when you dont have that sort of " i cant hear you!" barrier. let me just say some people are SO annoying on the train. catcalls, singing, people playing music aloud on thier effing sidekicks, obnoxious teenagers, peoples loud headphones, repetitive mouth noises ( i cant even explain, but it happens..clicking slurping eating noises!) kids, snoring...you get the point. people are PIGS. i cant walk down the street without someone saying "eyyyy mami, oooo!" and its not endearing.

BAH.

im so frustrated with life. i had a conversation tonight with my wonderful mother about my goals and my lack of satisfaction with life. ive constantly wondered through this process why im doing it, and why i cant just be satisfied with a mediocre life. why couldnt i just be happy staying in oklahoma, perfecting my less than perfect relationship, and making babies. lord knows they would have been the prettiest.

then i think of the beehive. ( thanks rindsey, this thought gets me through SO often) in the beehive, every bee has its purpose. they all strive for something. like life, everyone has a purpose, and if people didnt do things they were meant to do, the beehive would fail.

but i still wonder if this is what i was meant to do. i continuously question if its all worth what ive given up...because i know ill never be satisfied. its just my nature. i want to be the queen bee...and even there may not be enough.

god i need a massage.

im going to try and start reading for fun again, and not just for bettering my "business." tomorrow i finish my second class and before then im going to go on a book hunt for something i can totally get lost in. i love how a good book can numb all senses. then i will go to the park and read under a tree like a hippie. i really hope theres no one around...i dont have my ipod. GAawwh!

its so hard to get AWAY in this city. i wish i was underwater. it would be quiet under there...

yessssss.

if you dont want your waitress to spit on you, dont do this. note: the bills on the left are NOT the tip. the pennies make me irate. why even add them? WHO USES PENNIES?!

that is all.

a lot.

well its been a bit again. ive not been very good at this over the past months. but i feel like when i do update, its slightly significant. I think about doing a post often, but its more often then not that i dont feel like writing. for lack of better explanation, its been quite hard to get out of the "funk" im in lately.

life has taken several significant turns lately.

i finished at Love Brigade. What a wild ride it was. And finishing is starting a whole new chapter for me. I learned more then i ever imagined to, met the mentor of my life, and made some amazing friends. these people are such a FAMILY to me now. im going to have to make excuses to go out of my way to hug their necks without letting them in on knowing how much i miss being in their company. if you guys happen to read this, I LOVE YOU!

my personal life has changed drastically, and i hope for the better. though the decision was the hardest ive made in my entire life..i am trying to stand by it in hopes that it will benefit us in the future. distance makes the heart grow stronger. i truly believe in that. its so hard..because now i feel more lonely then i ever have in my life. not just lonely, but i feel ALONE. makes me wonder even more, where am i? i ask it every day. with this decision, i hope only that it makes us MORE confident in our love for one another. more confident then i already know we are. its so bittersweet...i cant even begin to explain how i feel.

i also started classes. A hand sewing and mending class, which based on one class seems to be a waste of time...cause i knew everything already. but im sure that will change. and a class called wardrobing for film theater and tv. This class seems like it will be VERY beneficial for me. not only is the professor intensely knowledgeable about the field but she is passionate about helping students find their path. im hoping that this class will make me more confident in my decision to be a certified costume designer. i question myself waaaayyy to much.

and im searching for a new apartment. my lease in my current apt is up around the end of june. I CANT WAIT TO MOVE! though funds are extremely low right now..i cant wait to get out of this apartment. my room is tiny, im 10 blocks from the subway, an hour from all my friends and 45 mins to the city. its outrageous. and i pay more then what my situation is worth regardless of the fact that my apt is beautiful. i. just. cant. wait. i cant do this anymore!



LB <3 event with Tinypantz. Beavis/Butthead impression.




the webster hall "god." my photo doesnt do it justice. ya gotta be there.


an upstairs photo of swanky Tonic. my place of work.

the other direction. im sitting at the bar.

photo of the schedule for the kitchen staff. i love mexicans.

central park! it is soooo pretty.

110th st. cathedral. the most amazing staircase youve ever seen. this place fueled my fantasy of being alice in wonderland. im going back with a better camera.


i looked in the keyhole. i saw tremendously creepy things. seriously.


the COOLEST statue ive ever seen! ill eventually be getting better pics.
this was outside the cathedral. there was also an albino peacock, which for some dumb reason i didnt get a photo of. i think he lives there. kind of a magical afternoon.

i want the nice weather to come back. the sun proves to me i have seasonal depression.

thats all?