meh.

"I just wish that I could live with the fishes I love in their anemone
But I'm a turtle it wont work I've gotta stay out in the current
With my house upon my back so I can hide inside of me
All together in the tank you always dreamed about escaping
When you finally make a break for it you deserve to be free"

this is how i feel.

its been a minute..

i havent done a whole lot since i last wrote. been working and relaxing and stressing as always.

i decided to go ahead and register for classes to start for a certificate in Costume Design. even though im questioning myself as always, i feel the decision is appropriate. i love costuming and know that if and when one day i have a career in the field, i will be MORE than satisfied. Oh to be there in that day...

i need to quit fucking around and get to work.

i just finished a hat that i made kira for a photoshoot shes doing when she comes to visit...ill post photos of it soon. thats a start i suppose.

last weekend was pretty cool. i spent the majority of it with angie and her friends. on saturday we went to new jersey. it was my first time, and my first time through the holland tunnel. which totally freaked me out and made me really claustrophobic. we went on an excursion to find them furniture for their apt by visiting 5 thrift stores spread out..it was an interesting adventure. and though i thought new jersey was disgusting ( covered in litterrrrr, and just ugly) i think it would be awesome to do that once a month. i felt like i was in Oklahoma. we went to IHOP for breakfast and chili's for dinner. beat that.

i found several tops and such that need altering. its nice to go thrifting every once in a while cause i know that when i find something i like, no one else anywhere will have it.


on a completely different note, i was spotted at st. louis fashion week in the LB collection!
this photo is like a time capsule documenting my time spent with the LB crew. its been an honor.

scrambled eggs.

what a bittersweet week ive just had. i finished visiting beautiful Oklahoma for the second time since ive moved to NYC. it seems like when i go back...i just get more homesick. but this time around, i was surprised to find myself a little excited to get off the plane back in NY.

ive always told myself that i know that a place is becoming home when i start to miss it when im away. i certainly hope this is true..ive heard it takes years to truly make a place your home physically and mentally. i know i dont have the patience to wait that long.

i pulled an all nighter the night before my flight cause it was leaving so early. i felt like hell the next day but to say the least, flying over and out of manhattan at sunrise was a real treat, and might not be something ill get a chance to do again. i didnt scramble to my phone quick enough to snap a shot unfortunately. i was afraid of the scary flight attendant.

i spent most of the week with jon just trying to catch up. i still feel a void though..it went by so fast as it always does. i dont think anyone can really understand the pain of enduring a long distance relationship unless theyve been in one. it doesnt get any better as time passes..it just gets worse. i like to pretend sometimes that im used to not seeing him, but really, it just makes me feel like the loneliest person in the world. i take for granted how strong he is for hanging in there for me when IM the one whose chosen to leave. i take him for granted in general honestly. Im so hard on us and myself, and despite our unnerving differences, i know that one day i will TRULY understand why we are meant for each other...and why weve made it this far.
after all, i dont really think that lovers need to be exactly a like..we balance each other out.

as for right now, its all SO hard. im still trying to find out who i am and where i am and going..not to mention finding my place in a serious long term relationship. i love jon. thats all there is to it..it wont ever go away. hes my best friend.

and ohhhhh simi. my kitty. i miss her just as much as i miss jon and my mom. shes the skittles rainbow in my life. i hate having to leave her over and over...i know she has to hate me for it. but she never really shows it. <3

ive been trying to gather my thoughts on a lot of things this week. but my brains are like scrambled eggs. i really need to focus, and instead of thinking things, just do them. bottom line, i want to streamline my life. i just want to be better...as a lot of people do im sure. i want to be a better person, physically and mentally. a better girlfriend, more understanding and compassionate. a better friend. a better daughter. i want to be a better waitress even.

i want to be a better accomplisher of my dreams..

the kitties playing "simon says"

ms. gold eyes.

a sliver of times square. WHAT? i actually work here.

i dont get it.

not and enlightening post.

well hello there.

thats what i said this morning when i woke up to a mouse scurrying across my floor IN MY BEDROOM. your first reaction might be to think, wow, she must live in complete filth and have a trail of crackers laid out. nope..im actually quite the opposite. my room is very small, so therefore even the slightest mess bothers the shit out of me. why are there mice in my room? aggg..i just dont know. its my neighborhood, its FILTHY! i cant wait to get out of it.

so it ran into my closet and i went to look...there was no way out for it so unfortunately i was caught screetching on my tip toes. wonderful way to start your day.

i also found out i owe money that i had no idea about. awesome.

"wonderwall" just came on pandora though, so things are lookin up.

yesterday with my day off i went to planned parenthood for some anti baby pills, bought a bra from american apparel, stopped by coyote ugly to see dirty diana ( im in love with the place and thier 2$ PBR ) , and went to the museum of art and design. nice.

that museum is amazing, and even though i was caught and scolded several times, i managed to take some photos with my trusty blackberry camera. *chgh ching* there was some REALLY beautiful stuff there i just couldnt help myself.. lots of things made of other things as you will see below..

they had an amazing jewelry exhibition that i was too afraid to take photos of..the security guards were like hawks. sorry jon.


a chandelier made of eyeglasses. brilliant.

of glue and buttons..by my love tara donavan

paper cut out tree in gift bag. these were soooo beautiful.

rotifers and jellyfish. jewels of the sea..one of my obsessions. gorgeous! i would die for these in my home...

then something random from last week. i lost 3 times. how? HOW?!

snow day

theres about 8 inches on the ground.

i cant seem to shake being sick..and the cold weather isnt helping. the worst thing about living here is that the city is relentless. i have to walk everywhere and battle the elements no matter how bad they are or how sick i am. no one really cares, and no one really stops working either.

i guess im going to have to give in and lose some style points and purchase some rain boots. agg.

i miss my car.

today ,again, i felt unproductive. i did trend research for LB, read some articles on grading patterns and contemplated for a long time whether or not to buy myself a pattern making book that i want really bad. i decided to hold off for a while. i also attempted to finish a jacket ive been meaning to but when i put it on it didnt fit right and i got all frustrated and discouraged...i guess i need that book.

the most frustrating thing in the world is that no matter how much work i DO get done, im never satisfied. no matter how much research i do or how much i read, it never seems to be enough. im so hard on myself. my biggest goal is to learn to give myself some credit.

i guess this is kinda a response to lindsays post...because what she wrote about i think about almost every day. im always trying to rush myself and never feel like its enough because i feel like time is closing in on me..or that im getting too old. but whose to say i have to have a certain amount accomplished by a certain age? i guess its only me that sets those standards. i told myself when i turned 21 that i wanted to have a steady and amazing career by the time i was 26. that seems so soon..and my career seems so far away. what i really need do is realize how far ive come...but its so hard to when im only missing the things i feel ive lost in the process.

i hope its all worth what ive given up.

i love it here, and i love pursuing my dreams..but its so hard to leave behind a home and loved ones and a comfortable situation. i wish at times that i could have just been satisfied with being satisfied. and because im not, does that make me greedy?

i feel guilty all the time for my decisions. ive left behind my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my cat, my mother, my little brother...so much. and at times i just feel like ive bitten off more than i can chew.

all i can do is just keep going, cause i dont know what else to do. cause i know id be more miserable if i went back knowing i gave up and was too much of a pussy to grit my teeth and do the hard work to get to where i want to be. success will be so much sweeter when i am there because of that...
...its just the getting there part.