i cant seem to shake being sick..and the cold weather isnt helping. the worst thing about living here is that the city is relentless. i have to walk everywhere and battle the elements no matter how bad they are or how sick i am. no one really cares, and no one really stops working either.
i guess im going to have to give in and lose some style points and purchase some rain boots. agg.
i miss my car.
today ,again, i felt unproductive. i did trend research for LB, read some articles on grading patterns and contemplated for a long time whether or not to buy myself a pattern making book that i want really bad. i decided to hold off for a while. i also attempted to finish a jacket ive been meaning to but when i put it on it didnt fit right and i got all frustrated and discouraged...i guess i need that book.
the most frustrating thing in the world is that no matter how much work i DO get done, im never satisfied. no matter how much research i do or how much i read, it never seems to be enough. im so hard on myself. my biggest goal is to learn to give myself some credit.
i guess this is kinda a response to lindsays post...because what she wrote about i think about almost every day. im always trying to rush myself and never feel like its enough because i feel like time is closing in on me..or that im getting too old. but whose to say i have to have a certain amount accomplished by a certain age? i guess its only me that sets those standards. i told myself when i turned 21 that i wanted to have a steady and amazing career by the time i was 26. that seems so soon..and my career seems so far away. what i really need do is realize how far ive come...but its so hard to when im only missing the things i feel ive lost in the process.
i hope its all worth what ive given up.
i love it here, and i love pursuing my dreams..but its so hard to leave behind a home and loved ones and a comfortable situation. i wish at times that i could have just been satisfied with being satisfied. and because im not, does that make me greedy?
i feel guilty all the time for my decisions. ive left behind my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my cat, my mother, my little brother...so much. and at times i just feel like ive bitten off more than i can chew.
all i can do is just keep going, cause i dont know what else to do. cause i know id be more miserable if i went back knowing i gave up and was too much of a pussy to grit my teeth and do the hard work to get to where i want to be. success will be so much sweeter when i am there because of that...
...its just the getting there part.
Oh summer...I love you so very much. You are truly a hero to me. There are few people that understand just what it means to work for your dream. Its hard fucking work. If you don't go out there and get what you want, know one else is going to give it to you. You really do need to give yourself some fucking credit. You deserve it. I know you seem so far away but know this:
ReplyDeleteI stand behind you no matter what you decide to do. You WILL be successful. I believe in you. I cannot wait to see you next month. I miss your face, laugh, and presence.