where i am.: scrambled eggs.

what a bittersweet week ive just had. i finished visiting beautiful Oklahoma for the second time since ive moved to NYC. it seems like when i go back...i just get more homesick. but this time around, i was surprised to find myself a little excited to get off the plane back in NY.

ive always told myself that i know that a place is becoming home when i start to miss it when im away. i certainly hope this is true..ive heard it takes years to truly make a place your home physically and mentally. i know i dont have the patience to wait that long.

i pulled an all nighter the night before my flight cause it was leaving so early. i felt like hell the next day but to say the least, flying over and out of manhattan at sunrise was a real treat, and might not be something ill get a chance to do again. i didnt scramble to my phone quick enough to snap a shot unfortunately. i was afraid of the scary flight attendant.

i spent most of the week with jon just trying to catch up. i still feel a void though..it went by so fast as it always does. i dont think anyone can really understand the pain of enduring a long distance relationship unless theyve been in one. it doesnt get any better as time passes..it just gets worse. i like to pretend sometimes that im used to not seeing him, but really, it just makes me feel like the loneliest person in the world. i take for granted how strong he is for hanging in there for me when IM the one whose chosen to leave. i take him for granted in general honestly. Im so hard on us and myself, and despite our unnerving differences, i know that one day i will TRULY understand why we are meant for each other...and why weve made it this far.
after all, i dont really think that lovers need to be exactly a like..we balance each other out.

as for right now, its all SO hard. im still trying to find out who i am and where i am and going..not to mention finding my place in a serious long term relationship. i love jon. thats all there is to it..it wont ever go away. hes my best friend.

and ohhhhh simi. my kitty. i miss her just as much as i miss jon and my mom. shes the skittles rainbow in my life. i hate having to leave her over and over...i know she has to hate me for it. but she never really shows it. <3

ive been trying to gather my thoughts on a lot of things this week. but my brains are like scrambled eggs. i really need to focus, and instead of thinking things, just do them. bottom line, i want to streamline my life. i just want to be better...as a lot of people do im sure. i want to be a better person, physically and mentally. a better girlfriend, more understanding and compassionate. a better friend. a better daughter. i want to be a better waitress even.

i want to be a better accomplisher of my dreams..