FML. eff emm ELL!!

my left eye has been twitching for the last five days. i have a pinched nerve in my left side lower back and a HUGE knot in my right shoulder. ive cried 3 times this week and slept like shit every night. ive done everything to try to release and nothing is working. my mind is racing and i cant seem to ease the stress. what the FUCK is going on? lord knows that this cant possibly be pms. i havent had a normal period in 2 months. god hates me.

everything seems to circle back to the same things. things that i become irritated by are eventually caused by these initial points. one thing thats driving me crazy is my lack of space. i cant fucking BREATHE! im trying to be SO productive on my days off...ive been reading like crazy and taking measurements to start blocking basic patterns..but there is simply not enough room to spread out. i successfully blocked out a skirt pattern but when i got to the point to make a muslin i got so aggravated because to even set back up my machine i have to clear everything away to make enough space..just to put it away again to REgain that space. i live in a mouse hole! one month. im counting down the days. my new apt is going to be AMAZING. i know what i need and want now and i will settle for NOTHING less!

one other thing that might seem sooo stupid and small to everyone else, is the fact that im going nutty cause my ipod is broken again. im waiting for a part to be in stock til i can fix it. i just want to stress to anyone that is reading how intensely important it is to have a ipod of some sorts in NY. OH. MY. GAWD. train rides and walking down the street are torture without one. its impossible to pretend the world doesnt exsist when you dont have that sort of " i cant hear you!" barrier. let me just say some people are SO annoying on the train. catcalls, singing, people playing music aloud on thier effing sidekicks, obnoxious teenagers, peoples loud headphones, repetitive mouth noises ( i cant even explain, but it happens..clicking slurping eating noises!) kids, snoring...you get the point. people are PIGS. i cant walk down the street without someone saying "eyyyy mami, oooo!" and its not endearing.

BAH.

im so frustrated with life. i had a conversation tonight with my wonderful mother about my goals and my lack of satisfaction with life. ive constantly wondered through this process why im doing it, and why i cant just be satisfied with a mediocre life. why couldnt i just be happy staying in oklahoma, perfecting my less than perfect relationship, and making babies. lord knows they would have been the prettiest.

then i think of the beehive. ( thanks rindsey, this thought gets me through SO often) in the beehive, every bee has its purpose. they all strive for something. like life, everyone has a purpose, and if people didnt do things they were meant to do, the beehive would fail.

but i still wonder if this is what i was meant to do. i continuously question if its all worth what ive given up...because i know ill never be satisfied. its just my nature. i want to be the queen bee...and even there may not be enough.

god i need a massage.

im going to try and start reading for fun again, and not just for bettering my "business." tomorrow i finish my second class and before then im going to go on a book hunt for something i can totally get lost in. i love how a good book can numb all senses. then i will go to the park and read under a tree like a hippie. i really hope theres no one around...i dont have my ipod. GAawwh!

its so hard to get AWAY in this city. i wish i was underwater. it would be quiet under there...